just put me in the crazy box...

The crazy box. My friend used that term today and it really held a certain zing for me.

Crazy.
I love it. I am it.

My children use that word very cautiously. They know that if they say "that word" I will almost instantaneously break out in song.

"Crazy....I'm crazy for feeling so lonely....I'm crazy...I'm crazy for feeling so bluuuuuuu...."
I kinda do a Patsy Klein/Barbara Streisand/Bette Midler meld voice. It's pretty.

It makes me feel better about myself.
(It also annoys the begeebers out of my children. Secretly I think they kinda like it tho. They just can't say so or they will get their kid card revoked. )

I like to annoy my children. Every mother has to have an outlet. Right? Is that wrong?
Stop it. You know you do the same thing.

OK that was a little off topic.
The topic for today is crazy. What is crazy?

Crazy is that thing that when you do it other people look at you like you are not normal.

Normal being that thing that they are and everyone else is really not.

Normal is a superiority complex. Normal is a navel (as in belly button...not anchors aweigh) gazing exercise designed to make one feel better about oneself.
Normal is a tag that we put on our own idiosyncrasies to help us rise above the rabble. To help us cope. To help us identify with our group.
We are normal. They are like me. I am like them. Together we shall rule the world...mwahahahahahah!!

Sick.
Normal is sick.

Normal is a recipe for inadequacy. It is the enemy in full on battle with your very soul. He calls you out, taunts you, then grabs you by your Achilles heel. "you're not normal".
Don't underestimate this. (yes I am getting on my soapbox)
If he can't make you feel superior by being normal then he will go all out to make you feel either sub-normal...or super-normal.
He will say to you..."you are not normal. Something must be wrong with you. You aren't like the other children."
If you don't buy that one he will go for this one..."you are not like the other children. You are better. You are strong and powerful."

Both of these could be true at the same time. Be assured that both will be played upon. Here is this little gem...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

I have no problem with Marianne's statement. It is beautiful. In context it is empowering.
It makes you stand tall and say "Heck Yeah!"
(I never say "heck" by the way. I just had to put it in there for emphasis. )

But then, when the wind machine and soft lighting is turned off you are left with a feeling. Deep in your gut. A feeling that somehow you are not that. That you do not really possess a light that anyone can use. That your light is not right... somehow different....not for use to the everyday consumer. You are not normal.

What the stink are you supposed to do with that?
How can you touch that? If you are not afraid of your inadequacy you are afraid of your genius. You have been given a call to be all that you can be. All that you are. But what you are is buried. Or wounded. Or just plain tired. You don't have the energy to be one more thing. Even if it is for the betterment of both yourself and the entire stinkin world.
Seriously.
How, in the normal light of everyday existence, do you put yourself out there in such a way that you change the state of affairs for everyone within your light path.

How? How? HOW!

It is too much pressure.

In trying to rise above we can create a ladder so steep that we become fearful. We grab and grasp at each rung, trying desperately to climb and not fall, and we forget to sing. (what does singing have to do with this?)
I am glad you asked.
"Crazy...I'm crazy for feeling so lonely....I'm crazy....I'm crazy for feeling so bluuuuue"

Let it out honey!

Ok she has really flipped it this time. What is she talking about? (I am right here, I can hear you whispering)

Listen.

Normal is passe. It really doesn't even exist. There is no tangible level of acceptable. We can stop trying to climb above it. We can also stop being afraid of slipping below it.
Normal is word like supercalifragilisticexpealidocious. It is a made up thing. It has no real definition.
If you look it up it says earth shattering things like "not abnormal".
Or you can go for " conforming to the average".

Why. would. you. want. to .strive. for .this??
And, even if you could define average, how would you get there?
Holy cow, I am getting so confused.

If normal is not abnormal and abnormal is that thing that is not normal...I think you see where I am going with this. It cancels itself out. It is not a goal.
If it is not a goal then why do we spend so much time trying to be it?
And why do we hear the enemy constantly trying to tell us how terrible we are for not being it.
And...why, if it doesn't exist, and it is just used to describe the median line of acceptability...why are we so susceptible to the call to rise above yet fear that we are surely irretrievably mired below???

Why do we want to be normal?
I think it is because it feels safe. It feels like home base. A checkpoint.
Lies.
You can't trust this.
If we constantly compare ourselves to the standards of others we are liars and cheats.
There can be no comparison between us.
There is no normal, people.

You can group yourselves up into likes and dislikes...physical attributes...body odor or toenail length for all I care but you cannot go around telling people "this is normal and that is not".

Shoot...now I have to change all my ways of thinking. I do think this way. Even in defining myself as crazy I am toeing the party line that I am outside of normal. Gahhhh!

Yet, I like the word crazy. I like the connotation. I like the quirk. Crazy is not knowing exactly what might be said or done. It is unnerving. It is unsettling. It is weird.

But in an acceptable normal kind of way, yes?
NO!
See I was trying to trick you.

You fell for it.

I want you to love me for me. Not because I am that crazy one. Not because I am outside of normal or inside of normal.
Just because I am me. And you like that about me.

So if I want to be neurotic...or self absorbed...or easily overwhelmed...or if I want to sing loudly...or go to therapy for my repressed emotional baggage...or believe that God created this banana just for the pleasure I get in eating it...
if I want to wear no makeup....or only play board games with non competitive people...or not go to organized church...or have really passionate opinions about the way cardboard smells....love me.

This is mostly about being yourself. Being myself. Not some fantasy about putting myself out there for people to love and admire and aspire to. No. Just being.
I am really big on this. Being. Not striving or attaining or failing.

How can you fail at being??

Accepting that what you are, what you have, what you can put out or keep in, is enough. Being comfortable to be honest about your stuff. Laughing...or crying... at that stuff as you juggle the dailies. Love yourself.

**I feel I must put in a disclaimer here....just for clarity....this is all about Jesus. All of it. He is the air that I breathe. I am not uber Christian. This blog is not about my daily scripture reading. It would be fine if that was the case...but it isn't. Jesus. None of this that I am talking about it possible without Him. None of it. Questions? Ask me about Him and I will tell you what I know. I really really really dig Him. **

The Creator of the universe made you stunningly marvelous. You are not normal. You are not abnormal.
You are you.

Love yourself for who you are.
Love me for what I am.
You can even hate me for that matter.
Just don't box me.

Then again...if you must box me....

I will take the crazy box. Fits like a glove.

Heaven can't wait...

My sweet lovie, mired in the depths of the stress of all things college, was saying
(on Facebook) how she was looking forward to a time when she could actually savor life instead of dread it.
Someone else responded that that situation might have to wait for heaven.

Well.

I do not believe that.
So I wrote her a little something preachy to start her day.
Here is that little something. Just because I did not want to let it disappear into the pages of FB.

You gotta be kiddin me. It is this side of heaven! You can savor even in your stress but truly there is a time (and soon) when you can relax and enjoy your seconds. This season is not forever. Jesus said "I came that you may have LIFE and have it to the full!" He is..."Jehova Rophe"- our healer, health, wholeness. Did you know that this wholeness can also be translated as "peace". That when Jesus says "My peace I give to you" He means wholeness?!!!
Honey!! I believe with all my heart that His promise is not something that has to wait for Heaven. Sure, we will not see all of it till we are with Him fully...but we can grab hold of His promises right now. Peace. Rest. You may only see moments of it in your day (look for them) for right now. You are crazy busy! But you will catch up. And you will slow down. And you will be able to savor. Truly!!
I guess I am feelin kinda preachy this morning but here goes...I encourage you to purposely encounter the Lord's presence today. It may seem silly but as you walk out your door just ask Him if He is coming with you. (I know He will say "YES!") Then believe that. Every time you think about it look for Him. Check His presence. Just stop what you are doing and give a quick "You there Lord? " I guarantee you will begin to feel His answer. I also guarantee that you may feel pretty silly. But I want you to try it. The knowledge of His constant presence will bring you a peace that truly is beyond understanding. It isn't like He will rush in more. He is already there. But your being aware of it. Acknowledging it. Will make a huge difference. Try it. I love you girlie.

cookies...

I just ate a gluten free, white chocolate, cranberry cookie. Warm from the oven. ahhhhhhh.....
Was it a good choice?

It was all a scam...

We didn't really drink juice. We didn't really lose any weight. We didn't really lose our minds and go on a freakish fad diet.

Or did we?

Ok, we did.

We did all that. (Drank juice, lost weight, lost our minds.)
Actually, K drank the juice. 40 days of it. He IS da man. I wimped out. A wimped out. We were wimpy. But we did try. That counts for something right?

Are you disappointed that you didn't get a poop report?
Sorry.
K is just not very forthcoming about these kind of things. I would have told you everything.
I know you are disappointed.

So the juice fast is over. What now?

Now we go on trying to eat as healthy as possible. As healthy as possible for us that is.

We are not superheroes. We do not have unlimited funds. We are not paragons of virtue.
We are human. We sometimes eat things that are not good for us. We like chips.

What we want is to take a measure of responsibility about what we are putting into our bodies.
(I say we meaning I here. K will have to speak for himself. Are you confused yet?)

We/I do not want to go on making food choices based solely on what tastes good or what the ADA tells me is good for me.
I gotta say it...if I continue eating in that way I will be systematically filling my body with c.r.a.p.
I am actively choosing to not do that anymore.
(ok I might eat a little crap now and then but mostly...no crap for me)

I apologize to anyone that was offended by those last statements. My parents raised me better.

I guess what I am saying is that I am choosing to choose. Choosing to make better choices. Choosing to use my right to choose to choose the best choices according to the strength and willpower I have me in any given moment.

I do not want to be old and broken down because I squandered my youth on
death- giving "food".
I want to consume life. I want my food to be full of life and full of things that create, sustain and regenerate.
I want to make good choices.

Now, enough about me. Let's talk about you.
Please do not...not for one moment...feel that you have to defend your choices to be my friend.
Think me arrogant if you must. (It will make me sad tho. )
Think me judgmental.
Think me rude.
Think me all those things. Sadly, you are probably right. I am arrogant, rude, and judgmental.

Constantly.

But I am not trying to be!
I do not know how to not judge you for your terrible choices.
I don't think you are going to hell or anything. I give you freedom...go ahead! make your bad choices. I am sad for you. I think you could do better.
If you ask me I might tell you what I think.
If you don't ask I will try really hard to not volunteer my thoughts onto your chocolate coma. I will keep my thoughts to myself. I promise that I do not think you evil.

Here is the thought that most likely will be pin-balling around in my head..."dang, I wish I could eat that. I cannot eat it because it will not only make me feel awful now, it will cause lasting repercussions in my entrails that will come back to bite me in years to come. I will just stand here and smell it. mmmmmm....and, I might fantasize about knocking you down and taking your pizza right out of your hand. Is that wrong? "

See...no judgment there.

Judgment comes if you try to tell me that I am crazy for my choices. Judgment comes when you defend your pasteurized milk and rancid wheat as God given manna. (ooo...bitter much) Judgment comes when you tell me that what I am doing is unhealthy...when you base your decisions on what the USDA, the FDA, the ADA, the AMA and sesame street say to put into your body. They are all...ALL mindless sell outs to whatever company pays the highest price for their stamp of approval. Did you know that tampax added fluoride to their product? If you chew on it you can improve your dental health by 53%. (ok see...now I am just being rude)

Big sigh.
I really do think all these things. But really, honestly, truly...I believe in my heart of hearts that you are free! Free, free, free to make your own decisions. Some of your decisions will make me sad. Some of them will make me crazy.
I still love you. I have enough to take care of in my own life. I do not spend my time trying to make decisions for you.

Ask me what I am thinking and I might tell you. I hope I say it in love and full of grace and not necessarily how I am thinking it at the moment. :-)

To sum up...none of us gets out of here alive unless Jesus comes back right now.
Eat your twinkies. I will eat my apple. I will wish I had your twinkie. I will be glad later that I did not eat it.

HE did 40 days...

He, K, my man, DA MAN, he did 40 days of green vegetable juice. Wow.

To honor him, and because I needed some way to not feel like a total and complete loser...I ate all vegetarian for those 40 days.
Surprisingly, I was able to do it. It wasn't all raw. I had some brown rice, some quinoa, some beans...but no meat, no eggs, no dairy.

And, I know you are wondering, I didn't get surly.
I found that the joy, the utter and sublime joy of not having to drink that juice was so completely wonderful that I savored every bite of my rabbit food.

Seriously. I heard myself say, "just give me a moment." And I closed my eyes and tilted my head back as I chewed my lovely lovely salad. I had a relationship with this food. I felt, as the Creator must have felt, that it was good. (you think I am kidding)
I relished. I enjoyed. I swooned.

whew.

I did that for more than 40 days. I am proud of myself.

Now I eat a little more normally. Lots of fresh. Not much red meat these days. In fact I cannot remember the last red meat I ate. I eat chicken and turkey. I eat eggs. Brown rice. Quinoa. I eat some brown rice bread. I eat gluten free muffins or cookies if A makes them but I try not to buy any. (I have terrible willpower...if they are in the pantry they will not be there for long)

Recently we took a family trip to visit the folks in Iowa. Lots of eating out. Not good. I like french fries. I like them a lot! a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot, lot.

We are home now. I have to restrict myself in a militant way. I choose it. I am free to "cheat" if I want. But I want to choose to not.

We shall see....